Not a Draft

 

 175 drafts have yet to be published here. In part, I'm still mourning both my parents' deaths. 

My brain is fucked up well. I can't remember how to spell a word. I can't type without looking directly at the keyboard. Even then, I still have typos. Don't believe me? Here's something without spell check.

My spaker is a sakobs. it's prettr goo whemi need it most. ai cnhear it when its set to 8. Jeff can't herar anything t all. He lost his hearing suddekyl We don't know how. He seess autiology soon. I hope tjeu have naers. Now you can see why [fe slowly ost the ability to rqwight.

"My speaker is a Sakobs. It's pretty good when I need it most. I can hear it when it's set to 8. Jeff can't hear anything at all. He lost his hearing suddenly. We don't know how. He sees audiology soon. I hope to have answers. Now you can see why I've slowly lost the ability to write."

I fucking hate this shit. I wanted to turn my mother's plays into novels. I want to get more of my own book completed. I can't do that when I have to backspace and correct almost every fucking word.

Being honest, I'm having troubles with ataxia. I stagger around as I fight to keep balanced. I have problems... Google's AI sums it up better.

Ataxia is a neurological sign that describes a loss of coordination and balance caused by damage to the parts of the brain that control movement. Ataxia can affect the arms, legs, hands, speech, swallowing, vision, and gait.

Ataxia can be caused by many conditions, including:
Stroke, Multiple sclerosis, Tumors, Alcoholism, Nerve damage, Metabolic disorders, Vitamin deficiencies, Medications, Head injury, Brain hemorrhage, and Infections.

Ataxia can also be hereditary, meaning it's caused by a genetic defect. There are different types of ataxia, including cerebellar, sensory, and vestibular.

Symptoms of ataxia include: Jerky movements, Unsteady walking, Difficulty writing and eating, Slurred speech, and Slow eye movements. 

 Home care can help with coordination and slow damage. This includes physical therapy, home safety evaluation, and making it easier to move around at home. 

You should contact your provider if you or someone you know has unexplained problems with coordination or the lack of coordination lasts longer than a few minutes.

The second to last paragraph will be my demise. I've already broken bones in my right foot. When I fall, I hit the ground hard. I don't have much upper body strength and my core sucks. I can't get up without using something and, even then, getting both legs into a squat is near impossible. I can't pull both legs into a squat, people. I was on the motherfucking weightlifting team in high school.

I want a BowFlex for Christmas but that's way over budget and would cut into the funds we need to set the house right again. I want the house sorted so I never have to worry about something falling apart, etc.

I believe a lot of this ataxia is due to the staggering amount of prescriptions I swallow every day. Most are neurological. I take them so I don't have to take opioids. Opioids are Very Bad. So three pills twice a day, every day. It's fucking up my liver and nervous system. (My foot doc gave me a script for oxycodone on October 1st. 20 pills. 19 pills remain.)

Life goes on. My ability to write is probably gone. Fuck it. At least this isn't another draft.

EDIT: Maybe I can work with my GP to slowly wean me from some of these drugs.