I still feel guilty

 "I want to fight."

Her statement loops in my brain today. I didn't know how to respond then. I don't know how to respond now.

She uttered her wish in a dreary hospital room. I didn't know what conversations had occurred prior to my arrival. I saw terror in her eyes.

I want you to fight. I need you to fight!

Maybe you can have surgery to get that tumor out of your lung?

They're all full of shit! Let's just go home so you can sleep in your own bed.

We don't mind taking care of you! 

"You didn't want to fight," These were the words that tumbled out of my mouth in an awkward attempt to help her understand her plight. I spoke softly, tenderly. "You told all the doctors that you were at peace. That you were ready to be with Dad again. You refused treatment."

It was her choice to refuse all treatments prior. I know this, but her death was moving towards her at warp speed. I have never felt so hopeless nor have I seen her so scared.

I feel guilty today.

Mum's Health Updates: A chronicle of her last days 

Mum's Health Updates: What the fuck did they do to her??!