Bedridden 63 Days
Bed rest is never a bad thing. It can be the best time to get things done, recharge, and catch up on life... said no chronic pain patient ever.
Today marks 63 days of bed rest with occasional forays downstairs. Now that I am limited by how much I can do before the pain ramps up to intolerable, the future tastes so bleak.
Time to ramp up daily goals! Time to defy that pain even if it requires me to claw forward one inch at a time. I can not turn the knee injury into something positive but I will incorporate that pain into my life. I'm good at that.
I made coffee today. That doesn't sound like any great accomplishment, right? For me, it has been 47 days without coffee. Bringing a scant 2 cups of it upstairs was the most daunting thing I've done in a while. I don't regret the effort, though I did flop onto the bed after putting the cup down. The prolonged, knee-clutching moan went unheard, thank God.
I clipped some unruly twigs off the dogwood. It was in one spot only. I'll clip more, a little at a time, this week. I'll do the same with the Spiraea bushes. "Meadow Sweets" love to mound, but the amount of space they take up is just getting ridiculous. It will be a drastic prune, but they will perk back up again a little at a time, just like how I'm spreading out trimming them.
I made a tiny bowl of salad. It meant snipping some bits of a green onion and tearing up some leaves. Toss in whole snacking tomatoes for taste. I realized that I was in too much pain to get back upstairs, so I sat outside and ate my dinner once the pain subsided a bit.
Now I am upstairs again. Holy crap, my knee is killing me. I foresee a bed in my future. As in soon. As in it is time to take the pain pill. But first, I'm going to cobble together all the unfinished, grumbling posts so they take up less space in my journal.
Day #1
June 15, 2023
Alrighty, I think I tore something in my knee. It was kinda sore when I did Mum's balloons two days ago, and it's a bitch of a painful knee today, so I did my appointment with Bill over the phone. I decided to rest today, just in case something bad is happening down there.
It feels like I injured the plantaris in my right knee. I did that before, way back when working for Dr B. But it also feels like it did when I blew things out in '89.
Young me, eager to compete, landed on my face during the the clean-and-jerk 2nd round. I had that bar, and I pulled it upward like a stud. But I rose from the squat and my entire knee popped. No grace. No triumphant split stance. I landed on my face and my nose bled all over the mat. I tore the hell out of my LCL. I was out for the season. I was in a cast and then a brace. I had more PT than I felt was necessary, but bring it on anyway!
So I'm not giving up on this knee. Time for some PRICE! Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation! I honestly can't remember what the P stands for. *one minute later* Ah, it's Protect.
Day #4
June 18, 2023
Holy cow! This pain is still here. It's been 4 days since things blew up with this knee. And it seems to be getting worse. WTF body?! Ice won't do squat (pun not intended) but I'm using the heating pad on it to help with swelling. I'm I'm resting. And I elevate the damn thing. We don't have proper braces at the house. I put one one, however, and it did some good. Until it didn't.
Day #6
June 20, 2023
Jeff had to cancel his colonoscopy, I think? I don't know what I did to fuck up this knee. The pain hasn't decreased since Saturday. The joint and my hip joint are screaming. It's hard to focus on anything. I hurt and I can't remember shit. I feel so guilty about him putting off his own necessary appointments. I'm sorry, Jeffers. I'm so sorry.
Day #13
June 27, 2023
Did my therapy via phone. So glad Bill's there and okay with it. I've never had constant pain at a level 8 in the history of constant pain. To hell with the damn PRICE Method. This stuff never relents, and repositioning myself on the bed makes it spike to 10. I'm no stranger to pain. I have a high threshold, but I have to wonder how long this is going to last? I gotta get the yard neatened, and move stuff in the garage to store furniture. Plus I can't wait to paint! It's going to be so beautiful! But I gotta get off my phone and lie on my side for a while. Wow. This is really like being imprisoned in my own home, confined to my bed for 13 days!
Day #19
July 3, 2023
Had my port flushed today. Getting there and back leveled me, so I went back to the ER. Dr C did xrays. He recommends an MRI ASAP because he's very concerned about the soft tissues. Things don't look or feel right. I'm home. They gave me Dilaudid for the pain. It wore off already.
Day #31
July 14, 2023
It all crashed down around June 15. It was unexpected and altogether impossible to avoid. And it has devastated my quality of life. I went to ortho. Nothing they can do except refer me to PT. I wake up in the morning and cry because I hurt so bad, and I cry because I woke up at all.
Day #38
July 22, 2023
Today is our anniversary. Jeff cooked a fantastic meal. Lord knows I love steak! Going down the stairs was hard but worth it. He's doing a fantastic job caring for me. I know it wears him out each day. I wish he know how much I appreciate him. My champion!
Day #40
July 24, 2023
Every project on hold. All daily tasks stuffed in the mental "to do" box; Layers of dust and fur coat the floor and flat surfaces. So many journal drafts negligently flap in the breeze. Crabgrass covers the entire brick path outside; The lawn and flower beds are thick with weeds. These are things that used to contribute to a positive state of mental health.
Day #45
July 29, 2023
OMG I'm overheating and want to puke. It's bad. I can't take any meds tonight. I think I'll be alright. But the pain and the heat and the nausea are eating me up.
Day #63
August 16, 2023
I typed out a few drafts about mundane stuff since July. I suppose I'll finish them after my appointment with Dr Bones tomorrow. Life really has been bleak. No drama intended or implied. Jeff and the pups have kept me going, made me laugh and smile, kept the love flowing. I'd be lost without them. But now I'm angry with the "bedridden" situation. Things need to change for the better, regarding both my knee and my mindset.
Day #64
August 17, 2023
One injection -ONE injection!- and the pain is lessening. I'm in a state of shock. It will take a few days to properly kick in, but I can walk from the car to the house with hardly any pain. I made it upstairs and feel a bit sore, but I didn't have to stagger to the bedroom. I feel like me again.
August 31 Update: A lot of wonderful things are happening right now. My depression has lifted. I'm still able to walk without too much pain. There's a possibility of adding a bathroom to the main floor here.
I'll keep this journal entry as a tool to remind me just how deep I fell and how far I've flown, how the positive banishes the negative, how mindset really does affect our perceptions.