The Demons of a Panic Attack
The demons are innumerable, appear at the most inconvenient times, and create panic and terror. But I have learnt that if I can master the negative forces and harness them to my chariot, then they can work to my advantage.
- Ingmar Bergman
A blow dart loaded with Thorazine might help, if you're not inclined or able to harness those negative forces. Personally, I am inclined ergo my chasing 2mg of clonazepam with a bottle of apple juice earlier today.
It also takes forever to kick in.
My panic attacks are absurd. I don't have them often. My day is ruined when I do.
Today's episode: Hershey's vet visit went well. We spent some time flushing critters in the field while waiting for his test results. It was a good morning. I felt a bit achy though, so I woke up Jeff to drive mom to the store. Nice, quiet house and an opportunity to sprawl and knit. And then, BOOM!
"DEATH! FUCK! DEATH! OH SHIT OH FUCK I'M ABOUT TO DIE! Noooo!!!"
My asinine panic attacks hit me like a truck filled with bricks. There's no rationalizing anything. No trick of the mind to "get over" the panic when it hits. I don't vocalize during these attacks. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I will leave a crowded space at the onset.
The fight or flight response is an automatic physiological reaction to an event that is perceived as stressful or frightening. The perception of threat activates the sympathetic nervous system and triggers an acute stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee.
The sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is a network of nerves that helps your body activate its “fight-or-flight” response. This system's activity increases when you're stressed, in danger or physically active.
There are three stages to a panic attack: the alarm stage, the resistance stage and the exhaustion stage. The alarm stage is when the central nervous system is awakened, causing your body's defenses to assemble. This SOS stage results in a fight-or-flight response. It's ridiculous.
Everyone with this disorder has unique symptoms. Some people have them all. Some have less.
Mine always begin with a niggling feeling followed by a very cold and very dead squid landing on the back of my head and sliding down my neck. That's the initial boom.
Everything that follows is my adrenaline-fuel SNS's response: Rapid heart rate, chest pain, shortness of breath, and the knowledge that I'm about to die. I tense up so I can flee but I can't flee because I can't perceive where the threat to my physical person is. Everything blurs into a single word: panic.
And in the fog of my mind, I know the monster lurks.
"In August of 2002, I survived a car accident. Although I can still see the van speeding toward us, I cannot bring to mind the crash itself - only its aftermath." -Siri Hustvedt
I remember the aftermath more clearly than what I was enduring during the panicked moments.
My recovery is difficult. My hands tremble. My chest and limbs will ache for hours afterward. I feel cold. The panic is gone but the body takes time to balance itself. I feel detached from reality in this phase. It's as though I'm an observer for everything around me but not actually partaking in those surroundings. The world becomes painfully clear. My migraine becomes just as clear.
"The demons are innumerable, appear at the most inconvenient times, and create panic and terror." - Ingmar Bergman.
Ernst Ingmar Bergman was a Swedish film director, screenwriter, producer and playwright. Widely considered one of the greatest and most influential filmmakers of all time, his films are known as "profoundly personal meditations into the myriad struggles facing the psyche and the soul."
Some of his work becomes a looking glass; I see my own issues reflected in what he presents to his audience. It's unnerving. The older I get, the more I appreciate his efforts.
I spent the afternoon napping after taking that clonazepam. The shakes and shivers have departed. My heart has slowed. My breathing returned to normal. My body, especially my neck, aches from earlier muscle contractions.
My migraine sucks.
