The Blorft is Kicking In
How do you know you've been ghosted? The poltergeist doesn't text you back.
Who helped the little pumpkin cross the road? The crossing gourd.
It's Autumn. I seriously believed that I would have all the drafts updated and published here.
Only three new articles published here; 62 more drafts to go. I will likely purge most of them. They represent my blorft craptitude, or bad days, or old news. Well, for the most part. The rest are reprints from an old blog, a giggle at something cute that Jeff did, a review of his published article - including how proud I am!
My biggest deterrent are my panic attacks. I'm having one right now. It's terror over my lack of future security coupled by friends my own age losing a spouse. I'm so glad I only have a year to go before the mortgage is paid! I'm so glad we kept our savings up! Whew, we did a lot of work on the house and it will last another 30 years!
...okay? I'm so fucked.
But what if I die first? Jeff isn't close to whoever remains in his family. Where could he go? There's so much stuff to purge at my mother's house. Would he continue to take care of her? He has good principles, so I'm not too worried about that. But what if he needs to be elsewhere and can't take our dogs with him? What if he's hospitalized?
This shit nags the corners of my mind. If I could flip my skull open, I'd murder everything that nags.
Should we just stay put? I fear I'll be too physically broken to turn this money pit into something that reflects my tastes. We would need to build a bathroom and bedroom downstairs. No way in hell we could stay in this how when we're too broken to climb stairs.
I'd like to say I'm scared right now, but I took a Clonazepam before searching for the link of the image above. God bless the genius that brought us the exciting world of benzodiazepine. It hasn't fully hit me yet. My heart is still racing.
Come along with me as I hand you incomplete thoughts and incorrect words.
Seriously? I fucking hate the sedation.
That reminds me... I gotta put a new bottle in my purse. I used up the last bottle yesterday. Had to kill a panic attack in Walmart. Seriously? I fucking hate the sedation.
It's Tuesday. I'm a bit resentful that the entire week will be doctor appointments and sitting at this desk all damn day. I watch entirely too much YouTube. The alternative is...? It scares me. I'm not exercising my brain. No stimulation.
There isn't much I can do about it. I was used to decorating the house and yard for every season and holiday, as can be seen here. We went on drives and took taking pictures off all the stuff that caught our fancy, and Jeff and I enjoying wine tastings or Phipps or the zoo.
The blorft is kicking in.
My mother is doing her best to keep her depression at bay. I told her this morning that she needs to back to taking her antidepressant. She won't. She insists that she is coping without medicine.
No, Ma. You drink to cope. That's not how things are supposed to work.
She says she doesn't know why God doesn't take her home. I don't know the answer for that. We see her cardiologist tomorrow. She insists that she won't have an angiogram if he recommends it.
My mother is stubborn. You don't pass from this world gently from cancer or heart attacks. The pain becomes unbearable. Watching you suffer becomes painful to your loved ones.
Her mental disrepair and her pain wound me. There's nothing I can do to alleviate it. I'm helpless to alleviate it. I offer to take her out but then she grumbles that COVID prevents her from going to mass. I offer to take her to a coffee shop or drive around the local lake. She's too tired. Read that as she's too depressed.
Jeff and I have been taking advantage to the main floor once she has gone to bed. We watch TV and look around my surrounds and think how awesome it would be to actually decorate. Her walls are currently painted yellow, and there's nothing in her hoard that uses or compliments that color. I honestly think it would cheer her up to have a beautiful house despite all the clutter.
I sign. I log out. The pill mellowed me.