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The Wait... Weighs Heavily


 I am so tired of jumping through hoops when it comes to securing a mortgage for our little rural home. "You're approved! But we need more information so our underwriters can approve it!"

I've gone through a lot of heartache and had my share of heartbreak in life, but this takes the cake. The stress is killing me. It's high enough to cause another shingle outbreak. I can feel it "inside" my back. I need to call my GP before my skin starts to blister. It hurts so fucking bad.

(And, completely apart from the stress, I made a misstep on the stairs the other day. The weird twist caused my damaged sciatic nerve bundle to flair up. It hurts so fucking bad!)

Better Half and Maternal Hen aren't aware of a tenth of what I've had to put up with regarding this damn mortgage. He grumbles about hoop jumping when I tell him that they need his email address. HA!

Good Morning [me],

Congratulations!  Your loan is conditionally approved! 

The Underwriter has reviewed your file and there are a few items I will need from you in order to obtain final clearance to close:

  1. USDA Approval – The Underwriter will be submitting for approval after we receive the appraisal and the outstanding items [They already received it]
  2. Provide a copy of the payment arragement[sic] for Capital One account ending in 891001 and proof of payments per the agreement [we traded this car in for the Escape]
  3. The DRIVE REPORT (Data Intergrity[sic] Risk Evaluation Report) is stating the following.  I will need a signed and dated letter address the items below

·         Another purchase transaction associated to the borrower has been indentified[sic] on another lenders loan [This is the refinance on my mother's home.... which they already know about!]

·         xxxxxxxxx is coming back that a foreclosured[sic] on 04/21/15 [Ugh. They have the information incorrect, and the correct information was sent to them weeks ago.]

  1. Provide proof that Capital One Auto Loan account ending in XX7748 is paid in full and I need the source of funds used to pay off the balance [We returned the Escape due to too many recalls, and opted for a Bronco]
  2. Provide signed 2021 and 2020 1040 Federal Tax Returns [We don't file]
  3. If your are not employed I will need a signed and dated letter to explain why your not employed if you are employed I will need most recent month’s paystubs[sic] and all of 2021 and 2020 W2’s [Oh honey, I haven't been able to work in years.]
  4. Provide a signed and dated letter to explain why you buying a smaller house [FFS! Really? Really?]
  5. Email address for xxxxx [You've already had it for a month.]

You can email or fax the documents to me directly, as my email and fax are safe and secure at all times. 

That is just the latest round of hoop jumps. No wonder my back hurts. My brain hurts from all the grammar and spelling mistakes.

It was written in comic sans. Comic sans, people!

I just can't even...

I spent some time messing around with paint colors to get my mind off the bank BS. I find myself going back to the listing to reassure the home is still there. I realize it takes thirty days to close. What if what I sent them isn't enough? What if they deny it at the last minute?

We'll flip our shit if that happens.

So here I sit, often until 2 or 3 AM, mumbling Please God, please! under my breath or doing a rosary. I need to shove Better Half into his prayer closet.






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