Mom Update
Mom's spirits are good though she balks at the idea of more surgery.
"Our society doesn't allow euthanasia," I grumble at her. We don't, of course. Euthanasia is tantamount to suicide.
"I know," she's frustrated.
I can't blame her. In addition to the central line, she has an arterial in place. Add to that a gastric tube (she vomited earlier) and a drain for her abdominal cavity, and a Bi-PAP, and a Foley. Christ, I would scream "No more!" at the top of my lungs.
She's taking it in stride. She realizes that there's a difference between a DNR and refusing treatment for something that will allow her to recover more quickly. She hasn't accepted that her stay in ICU will be more prolonged than we initially anticipated.I'm proud of her ability to handle all of this. My mother is typically a fractious patient - very demanding and combative. I usually spend half my time apologizing to her care team. This time around is different. She's focused on recovery.
An amusing aside... her opioids leave her a bit stoned. She's seeing "bugs and hair" everywhere, and reaches out to snatch them.
"There. See?" She holds out her palm or pinched fingers.
"There's nothing there, Mom." I can't help but to grin under my mask.
They came to ferry her off for a CT. I've taken the opportunity to duck outdoors for a cigarette. Being a frequent flyer to the cardiac and infusion center has its benefits: they let me in after catching up with gossip. It's a much shorter walk to the elevator.
I am here for the long haul today. Jeff has taken point as my comms unit. My signal inside the hospital is shit, especially in ICU.
He does a good job. I'm so grateful to have him in my corner. He's handling the dogs and laundry. This frees me up to focus on Mom.
(And then I go home, have panic attacks for no reason, and can't medicate because I need to make decisions for her. I'll forgive myself ahead of time today. Fuck anxiety.)
One of my favorite mantras gets me through these periods: Aad Guray Nameh. It's a beautiful protective mantra.
In Gurmukhi:
Aad Guray Nameh
Jugaad Guray Nameh
Sat Guray Nameh
Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh
Translation:
I bow to the Primal Wisdom.
I bow to the Wisdom through the Ages.
I bow to the True Wisdom.
I bow to the great, unseen Wisdom
We can't change some things but we can change our perspective on them. The notion has seen me through so many moments with Jeff's health, my Dad's health and decline, and now this situation with my Mom.
Will everything be alright? I'm sure things won't be to my liking. I can only accept and continue. The hard part is actually accepting that I can continue instead of freaking out about all the unknowns and scary bits.
