Spending an afternoon in the abyss

 

   I'm caustic today. Perhaps a bit toxic as well. No, it isn't because Twitter put me in jail for twelve hours. It isn't anything anyone living with me has done. It's just a feeling that goes beyond blorft.

“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”

- Tina Fey, Bossypants

This sweet summary does not describe my mood. I'm grinning out of the abyss today.

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."

My younger cousin and I once had a philosophical discussion after a holiday dinner years and years ago. Was Nietzsche right to promote nihilist views? Was the world and life actually meaningless?

And then she waffled on nearly an hour about a host of nonsensical things before arriving at an equally nonsensical conclusion. 

Her interpretation was that I had fought hard battles throughout my life, ergo I emerged grizzled and, well, caustic towards anything that pissed me off. I was a monster of sorts, though not in a negative way, because I had to grow to the size and strength of the monsters trying to savage me.

That's plausible. Maybe? She was drunk off her ass.

Now, years later, I ponder if my occasional deep depression is manifested by me crawling back into that abysmal lair for a while. Turning, looking out, revealing a toothy grin within that darkness. I might be smiling but I also might bite heads off today; best to withdraw.

 

(I should point out that, while looking for an appropriate quote, this article about snark showed up. "Oh, the ironing!")

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UPDATE: I crawled out of the lair to have a cigarette. Was wearing shorts. Practically froze my ass off. Forget the abyss. I'm gonna make hot tea and watch a movie.